Most Sundays are good. I enjoy Sunday mornings, they make me happy. But some Sundays, like today, are harder than others. They come rarely, more rarely as the years go by, but every once in awhile, the day just kind of crumbles me up and spits me out. I was fine when I got to church....Husband dropped us off and headed off to a job that turned out to bring in about $250. I was helping to lead the singing again, so I was happy, since I love to sing, and we were singing one of my favourite songs in the session too, Agnus Dei....but somewhere near the end of the sermon, it just kind of crumpled. The pastor was talking about how God answers our prayers, how he heals us from our sicknesses and sins and sufferings, and how we can trust in Him and as long as we are living for Him, even if we do bad things (and we do, all the time, of course), we will go to Heaven. Most people are all "Amen, alleluia, that's right"....it is a Pentecostal church, after all. But it just kind of tore my heart out. I couldn't help it. We started singing the last song (and thank goodness he only asked the pianist to go back on stage, so I wasn't at the microphone at the time), and I started to cry. I tried really hard not to show it, but after the first 4 tears dribbled down my face, I couldn't do it. People were leaving, some were in front of the altar for prayer...I just sat back in my pew, put my head in my hands, and sobbed for about 5 minutes. Everybody just kind of left me alone....I think they're used to that sort of thing. One elderly lady kind of sidled up beside me and handed me a kleenex once I settled own and lifted my head to dig for my hankie, but she didn't say anything. Now most of you, I'm sure, are baffled as to why this was making me cry. The simple truth is that I was lonely, very lonely, and scared, and frustrated....and sad. I have prayed many, many times, and each time, the answer seems to be no. Husband cannot go to church with me. He was not a Christian when I married him, though he swore to me he would always support me in my faith and encourage me to keep on with it. I thought that would be enough. When we had been married a few months, he had an experience that had him pray the Believer's Prayer. It was one of my happiest nights ever...but when he tried to go to church or read the Bible or do devotions or anything like that, he would have a panic attack, of sorts. He zones out and starts scratching his hands HARD, to the point of bleeding, he'll rock in the chair, basically totally freak anybody out who sees him doing this. And so I have nobody to do devotions with...and so I rarely do them, which I know is bad. I am reading my Bible daily....or at least most days....following a read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan that is printed in the back of mine, but I'm doing it alone. I don't pray minutely enough, partly because I get so busy trying to keep everything organized and failing miserably at all of it anyway, and forget, and partly because there's nobody to remind me, nobody to pray with me...and I have nobody to sit with in church, nobody to help me take care of the kids in church, nobody to go home and discuss the sermons with or share the exciting and joyful parts of church with...but if I ask him to try, he won't. If I ask him to think about possible ways to try to work through it, he says he will, then it erases itself from his mind and he acts as if nothing happened, discussion wise...I love my husband dearly, and would marry him again in a heartbeat, but I do understand now why some of my friends were so upset with my choosing to marry a non-Christian. Maybe they could see what I couldn't....it's not that he isn't a wonderful Husband...in every other way, he's amazing...but because my life is wrapped up in who I am...a Christian, there is such a huge gap in what we have in common, which is only widened further now that the "honeymoon period" is over and we see what other differences we have.
I feel abandoned in this area...I don't understand why God would say "no" to healing him, I don't understand what the purpose is of having him suffer like this. Is this to punish me for my choice? Is this to punish me for something I've done? Am I such a bad Christian that He won't heal somebody on my behalf? It's killing me because I know Husband wants it gone as much as I do....at least I think he does...and I know he suffers horribly if I FORCE him to do anything and he ends up all raw and bleeding....but if I don't, literally years go by and he never tries, he never comes, nothing changes. No matter what, there is disappointment, hurt, and anger.
And because of this, how am I to know where he stands? He has no Christian upbringing, no Christian experience, no real Christian knowledge. He prayed the prayer, but never got past that....IS he saved? IS he going to Heaven with me?
And so I cried. I cried hard and lonely. And still have no answers, and no release. Husband said I looked angry when I got into the car. I said, no, just a hard morning. He asked why, I said "I was lonely". He said "oh?" I said "Yeah, my husband wasn't there." and i got "the look"...so I told him he had asked.
He asked. What am I supposed to do? I can't help how I feel any more than he can help his reactions.
1 comment:
This sounds a familiar story. I can relate to it and have heard of many like it.
Sometimes a person is the only 'outed' Christian in their entire family. Not just spouse and children but among their parents, siblings, aunts-uncles-cousins, work colleagues, etc, etc.
That's why it is so easy to be drawn into feeling that the church one attends is your only family and a sect begins. That's equally hurtful and can be downright dangerous.
I do not think Jesus wants us to feel lonely. But he did endure that kind of lonliness at times including the ultimate one of rejection by God at the cross.
However, worldy things do capture the attention of most people. And even those who are not completely wordly often get caught up in all sorts of non Christian religions or adorations. The world is a minefield.
But, having signed onto God via Jesus can be a lonely experience after the initial buzz. Remember that somewhere it says that if one partner is saved then both are. (Both are seen as one by God) We shouldn't expect that a partner or another person is going to experience God in a more emotive way than they display.
Many people emote differently. Two people can see a very good movie and one can be "moved" by it while the other doesn't seem affected by the storyline.
It would be nice if both partners were equally strong in expressing an interest in Christ. But in my case I have learned to appreciate Jean's more stoicism. She is the more down to Earth person who keeps me from being overly 'spiritual'. See, being super spiritual can also be misleading. I know of some people who get so spiritual that they are really bores and look down their noses at others...just like the Pharisees.
We need the pragmatic, practical Christians to balance the more emotional ones. That brings up the question of emotions. We must try to see whether our emotions are not getting the better of us. Our salvation does not depend on feeling saved. It depends on believing in the first instance. That is, believing the words. An 'experience' is not essential. It does not say believe and experience and you shall be saved. It just says believe.
If your husband believed then that is enough. Don't spoil it by being hard on him if he doesn't 'show' interest. I learnt that with Jean and things went much better. Some preachers say you can't keep a foot in each side. But the Bible does say that although we are no longer of the world we are, however, still IN the world and can't be on cloud 9 all the time.
Nev
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