Despite my cutesy title, this will be one of my serious posts.
I am feeling quite shaken lately.....in my faith, that is. I can't really pinpoint where it started, it's just been an accumulation of things, I suppose.
I am finding it difficult to hang on to the faith that used to be so easy, so much a part of me. I have spent the last few days asking for signs, asking for ANYTHING, really.
Over the past few years, it has seemed that either I'm too bad for God to grant me anything, God isn't the way everyone has portrayed Him....or He isn't there at all.
Now before people jump on me, believe me, I am struggling pretty hard with this one, especially since this has been somewhat the core of my life thus far. And I'm sure most,if not all of this struggle is my own fault.
Things just don't seem to add up anymore. I am considering removing myself from the worship team at church because, quite frankly, I don't belong there right now. I'm not up there for the right reasons anymore. I'm up there because I love the singing.
A part of me knows that God MUST be out there SOMEWHERE....but a part of me is stumbling around, wondering....
I don't FEEL God, I don't SEE God, I can't even say I really KNOW God....and God doesn't seem to be there for me, either. Bible verses contradict what I see. Some passages have me thinking He is definitely NOT the loving God people claim He is, if He's even there.
For example, it says where two or three are gathered, He is there. What you ask for will be granted. Then why is it that scores of people have prayed for a certain person in my life to be healed of a mental/maybe spiritual affliction for YEARS...and the result fluctuates between either nothing happening at all, to the point that this person doesn't even talk about the issue, or the person takes a step in faith, trying to face whatever this is, and having it be a horrifying experience that turns them off for months, even years, from even thinking of trying to face it again.
I pray for the health of my family, and they all get sick with tonsillitis, bronchitis, pneumonia!
I pray a prayer of thanks for a contract that would allow us to pay off some debt, cover recent dental and eyesight costs, and allow me to be a stay-at-home mom full-time for awhile.....and the contract is renegged.
I pray for adequate rest, and end up more busy and more tired.
I pray that I would finally have the wherewithall to get my house clean, and get sick, tired, uninspired, and the entire family somehow forgets to put ANYTHING away and drops it all wherever it falls and the house looks like a bomb hit, when we are expecting company in a few days' time.
I understand that sometimes God says "no", but when the answer is ALWAYS no, you start to wonder if either God has it in for you, or He isn't there to begin with.
As to the part about God not being what they say he is...why would a loving God harden people's hearts so they'd go to Hell if we are supposed to have free will? (Pharaoh in Exodus) Why would a God who tells us it's wrong to murder tell all those armies in the old Testament to go out and slaughter everybody in their way in a quest to obtain land? Why would a loving God who wants everyone to be with Him allow someone to suffer so badly every time they hear about Him that they block it all out during the time, have such a violent bodily reaction during it, and as a result completely avoid the concept afterwards?
I really don't know where I stand right now. I know you aren't supposed to test God, but I'm desperate, I need to know one way or another in MY mind, in MY heart, not from someone else. I am feeling very discouraged because I "set out a fleece" a few days ago, one of those heart-wrenching "If you're there, God, then PLEASE do THIS to prove it!" things....and nothing. Universe shuddering silence.
I just don't know anymore.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
It was torture....STOP LAUGHING!
Okay, I am going to write this, and those of you who know me from high school are probably going to get a good chuckle out of this one...
Over the Christmas break, I had some issues with my throat. In the end, I was cured by a strong antibiotic. I finished said pills on Wednesday. Now here is where you high school chums start the grinning and snickering....you know when you get a prescription from Shopper's, they give you that sheet that lists side effects and drug interactions, do-s and don't-s? Well, this particular one says do not consume coffee while on this medication.
Yes, boys and girls, the drug was going STRAIGHT for the achilles heel, a blessing and a curse all wrapped in one. And I had to take it for ten, count 'em, TEN days!
Day one wasn't too bad, just a faint (well....maybe not so faint) longing to drink my coffee. The next few days were sheer torture. Add the desire for the coffee with all the withdrawal symptoms, peaking at about day 4 with absolute cravings, daydreaming about sweet, creamy, steaming mugs of coffee. I must have been really annoying to Husband, as I must have said a million times, over the ten days, how terribly much I really wanted a cup of coffee. I was practically climbing the walls for want of it. Who needs hard drugs when you can do coffee?
In any case, I made it through the ten days and brewed up my pot of coffee yesterday the moment I got back from papers....Dickens Toffee flavour (for any of you coffee hounds out there who have access to a Save-On-Foods, they have amazing flavours of beans sometimes....I have to go to Edmonton to get mine). I think I had 3....maybe 4? mugs of the stuff. It was really nice.
And for those of you who like to know how crazy I am....my freezer currently holds 7 types of coffee beans...Dickens Toffee, Coconut Fiesta, German Chocolate Mint, Pecan Delight, Raspberries and Cream, Swiss Chocolate Almond (I think....it's chocolate SOMETHING, anyway....), and dark roast.
So there you go. I've made some of you laugh at me, some go "Whoa! She's weeeeeeird!", and some are shaking their heads at me in either mild amusement or mild distain. :) Now I think I'll go have a cup of coffee. All this typing has made me thirsty.
Over the Christmas break, I had some issues with my throat. In the end, I was cured by a strong antibiotic. I finished said pills on Wednesday. Now here is where you high school chums start the grinning and snickering....you know when you get a prescription from Shopper's, they give you that sheet that lists side effects and drug interactions, do-s and don't-s? Well, this particular one says do not consume coffee while on this medication.
Yes, boys and girls, the drug was going STRAIGHT for the achilles heel, a blessing and a curse all wrapped in one. And I had to take it for ten, count 'em, TEN days!
Day one wasn't too bad, just a faint (well....maybe not so faint) longing to drink my coffee. The next few days were sheer torture. Add the desire for the coffee with all the withdrawal symptoms, peaking at about day 4 with absolute cravings, daydreaming about sweet, creamy, steaming mugs of coffee. I must have been really annoying to Husband, as I must have said a million times, over the ten days, how terribly much I really wanted a cup of coffee. I was practically climbing the walls for want of it. Who needs hard drugs when you can do coffee?
In any case, I made it through the ten days and brewed up my pot of coffee yesterday the moment I got back from papers....Dickens Toffee flavour (for any of you coffee hounds out there who have access to a Save-On-Foods, they have amazing flavours of beans sometimes....I have to go to Edmonton to get mine). I think I had 3....maybe 4? mugs of the stuff. It was really nice.
And for those of you who like to know how crazy I am....my freezer currently holds 7 types of coffee beans...Dickens Toffee, Coconut Fiesta, German Chocolate Mint, Pecan Delight, Raspberries and Cream, Swiss Chocolate Almond (I think....it's chocolate SOMETHING, anyway....), and dark roast.
So there you go. I've made some of you laugh at me, some go "Whoa! She's weeeeeeird!", and some are shaking their heads at me in either mild amusement or mild distain. :) Now I think I'll go have a cup of coffee. All this typing has made me thirsty.
Monday, January 7, 2008
How NOT to treat your customers
For the past day, I have been berating myself for not speaking up on this issue, but being shy, I didn't have the guts to say what needed to be said to the person at the time.
I went to a liquidation store, specifically to find a new blender, knowing I would need one today, since I had a root canal done this morning, and knew how sore my jaw would be from previous experience, plus I had read that it's best not to chew with a newly done tooth. Anyway....
I was lined up to pay and the following scene unfolded before me....
Man walks into the store, approaches cashier. Explains he had been in earlier, to return a calculator, and was told he had to have the receipt. Man had gone home, dug up said receipt, and driven back to the store. Man provides faulty calculator in original packaging with receipt. Cashier refuses to exchange it. Man tells cashier the manager said he could. Cashier calls manager, manager says yes, that is correct. Cashier slams down phone and starts berating customer, saying it's just a lousy $2 calculator, she shouldn't have to exchange it, etc. Man points out the calculator does not work, simply wants a replacement. Cashier starts on this huge tirade about how he should have brought it back 1-2 days after purchase, and says as far as she is concerned, she is in charge and doesn't have to do anything. Meanwhile there is a sign saying the store will happily exchange faulty items with receipt within 30 days. It had been about 20 days, I assume the man had been off on Christmas holidays, etc.
Man stalks off in hopes of finding the replacement calculator down another aisle. Cashier goes "Oh yeah, go off and cry over a lousy $2!". The other people in line are starting to get a little upset by this, and start taking the man's side. Cashier then starts arguing with each and every customer about it, and complaining to every customer about it who didn't say anything yet.
My opinion is such: This woman should be fired. This woman had no right to say the things she did, no right to treat a customer that way, no right to argue with a whole line of people, and certainly no right to be whining about it to everyone with ears as she went along. The man had every right to return the item for exchange, the sign was right there to say so, and maybe it was just a $2 calculator, but $2 is still $2.
If I'd had the guts to do what I wanted to do, I would have told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour, I would have demanded to talk to the manager, and I would have walked out, leaving my items right where I had stood, loudly declaring I would not buy from a store that would not only not follow its own return policies, but would heap on the verbal abuse as well.
But I am a chicken. Bock, bock. I meekly paid for my purchases, listened dumbly to her ramblings about the poor man, and left. The sad thing is that I had Daughter with me. No child should have had to listen to that kind of behaviour!
I went to a liquidation store, specifically to find a new blender, knowing I would need one today, since I had a root canal done this morning, and knew how sore my jaw would be from previous experience, plus I had read that it's best not to chew with a newly done tooth. Anyway....
I was lined up to pay and the following scene unfolded before me....
Man walks into the store, approaches cashier. Explains he had been in earlier, to return a calculator, and was told he had to have the receipt. Man had gone home, dug up said receipt, and driven back to the store. Man provides faulty calculator in original packaging with receipt. Cashier refuses to exchange it. Man tells cashier the manager said he could. Cashier calls manager, manager says yes, that is correct. Cashier slams down phone and starts berating customer, saying it's just a lousy $2 calculator, she shouldn't have to exchange it, etc. Man points out the calculator does not work, simply wants a replacement. Cashier starts on this huge tirade about how he should have brought it back 1-2 days after purchase, and says as far as she is concerned, she is in charge and doesn't have to do anything. Meanwhile there is a sign saying the store will happily exchange faulty items with receipt within 30 days. It had been about 20 days, I assume the man had been off on Christmas holidays, etc.
Man stalks off in hopes of finding the replacement calculator down another aisle. Cashier goes "Oh yeah, go off and cry over a lousy $2!". The other people in line are starting to get a little upset by this, and start taking the man's side. Cashier then starts arguing with each and every customer about it, and complaining to every customer about it who didn't say anything yet.
My opinion is such: This woman should be fired. This woman had no right to say the things she did, no right to treat a customer that way, no right to argue with a whole line of people, and certainly no right to be whining about it to everyone with ears as she went along. The man had every right to return the item for exchange, the sign was right there to say so, and maybe it was just a $2 calculator, but $2 is still $2.
If I'd had the guts to do what I wanted to do, I would have told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour, I would have demanded to talk to the manager, and I would have walked out, leaving my items right where I had stood, loudly declaring I would not buy from a store that would not only not follow its own return policies, but would heap on the verbal abuse as well.
But I am a chicken. Bock, bock. I meekly paid for my purchases, listened dumbly to her ramblings about the poor man, and left. The sad thing is that I had Daughter with me. No child should have had to listen to that kind of behaviour!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A new year begins!
I am so far behind in this blog because 2007 went out in a busy way, not all of it positive.
To briefly catch up, we all got sick for about a month. I had tonsillitis, a bunch of not-so-good doctors, and a recent relapse which has, thankfully, finally been properly treated with strong antibiotics.
I have to phone the dentist to see if being on the antibiotics will mean I am not able to have my root canal next week.
The kids and Husband are finally recovered or recovering from colds, flus, bronchitis, pneumonia.....as I said, 2007 went out with a bang.
Husband had a big contract that would have allowed me to quit papers and just be a stay-at-home-Mom until Son was in school full time, but that fell through, so I am back to papers and once again working towards the goal of an old second hand car.
It was cold this morning. Despite being wrapped up, I still have hives all over my legs from the cold reaching my legs somehow. (What a weird allergy to have, eh?)
We had a good Christmas. We went to the in-laws' for a little less that a week, saw my sister and b-i-l, took the kids to Drumheller to the dinosaur museum on the way back....it was a lot of fun, and quite honestly a bit mind-boggling, looking at all the real dinosaur bones.
In any case, here we are in 2008. Eight years ago I had just held somebody else's twin babies and started yearning desperately for babies of my own. 23 days from now, Daughter will turn 7. 43 days from now, I will have been married 8 1/2 years. 45 days from now, Son will be 3 1/2. I look back and wonder where the time went! Neither of my babies look like babies anymore!
2008 is going to be a big year. Daughter will be 7. Son will be 4. I will have been married 9 years. My parents will be moving here. My parents will have been married 37 years. My brother might move here and go back to school. I will get to see some friends I have not seen in years. I will get to go to Montreal and show my kids places I've been and things I've seen and done there. And my one major resolution (I don't really make them, so I guess it's more of a goal), is that I will lose my extra weight (about 54 pounds as of today) before I go on my big trip in November. Oh.....and another big one would be to work hard on making my marriage the best it can be and finding a way to separate it from my Mommy-hood.
To briefly catch up, we all got sick for about a month. I had tonsillitis, a bunch of not-so-good doctors, and a recent relapse which has, thankfully, finally been properly treated with strong antibiotics.
I have to phone the dentist to see if being on the antibiotics will mean I am not able to have my root canal next week.
The kids and Husband are finally recovered or recovering from colds, flus, bronchitis, pneumonia.....as I said, 2007 went out with a bang.
Husband had a big contract that would have allowed me to quit papers and just be a stay-at-home-Mom until Son was in school full time, but that fell through, so I am back to papers and once again working towards the goal of an old second hand car.
It was cold this morning. Despite being wrapped up, I still have hives all over my legs from the cold reaching my legs somehow. (What a weird allergy to have, eh?)
We had a good Christmas. We went to the in-laws' for a little less that a week, saw my sister and b-i-l, took the kids to Drumheller to the dinosaur museum on the way back....it was a lot of fun, and quite honestly a bit mind-boggling, looking at all the real dinosaur bones.
In any case, here we are in 2008. Eight years ago I had just held somebody else's twin babies and started yearning desperately for babies of my own. 23 days from now, Daughter will turn 7. 43 days from now, I will have been married 8 1/2 years. 45 days from now, Son will be 3 1/2. I look back and wonder where the time went! Neither of my babies look like babies anymore!
2008 is going to be a big year. Daughter will be 7. Son will be 4. I will have been married 9 years. My parents will be moving here. My parents will have been married 37 years. My brother might move here and go back to school. I will get to see some friends I have not seen in years. I will get to go to Montreal and show my kids places I've been and things I've seen and done there. And my one major resolution (I don't really make them, so I guess it's more of a goal), is that I will lose my extra weight (about 54 pounds as of today) before I go on my big trip in November. Oh.....and another big one would be to work hard on making my marriage the best it can be and finding a way to separate it from my Mommy-hood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
