Despite my cutesy title, this will be one of my serious posts.
I am feeling quite shaken lately.....in my faith, that is. I can't really pinpoint where it started, it's just been an accumulation of things, I suppose.
I am finding it difficult to hang on to the faith that used to be so easy, so much a part of me. I have spent the last few days asking for signs, asking for ANYTHING, really.
Over the past few years, it has seemed that either I'm too bad for God to grant me anything, God isn't the way everyone has portrayed Him....or He isn't there at all.
Now before people jump on me, believe me, I am struggling pretty hard with this one, especially since this has been somewhat the core of my life thus far. And I'm sure most,if not all of this struggle is my own fault.
Things just don't seem to add up anymore. I am considering removing myself from the worship team at church because, quite frankly, I don't belong there right now. I'm not up there for the right reasons anymore. I'm up there because I love the singing.
A part of me knows that God MUST be out there SOMEWHERE....but a part of me is stumbling around, wondering....
I don't FEEL God, I don't SEE God, I can't even say I really KNOW God....and God doesn't seem to be there for me, either. Bible verses contradict what I see. Some passages have me thinking He is definitely NOT the loving God people claim He is, if He's even there.
For example, it says where two or three are gathered, He is there. What you ask for will be granted. Then why is it that scores of people have prayed for a certain person in my life to be healed of a mental/maybe spiritual affliction for YEARS...and the result fluctuates between either nothing happening at all, to the point that this person doesn't even talk about the issue, or the person takes a step in faith, trying to face whatever this is, and having it be a horrifying experience that turns them off for months, even years, from even thinking of trying to face it again.
I pray for the health of my family, and they all get sick with tonsillitis, bronchitis, pneumonia!
I pray a prayer of thanks for a contract that would allow us to pay off some debt, cover recent dental and eyesight costs, and allow me to be a stay-at-home mom full-time for awhile.....and the contract is renegged.
I pray for adequate rest, and end up more busy and more tired.
I pray that I would finally have the wherewithall to get my house clean, and get sick, tired, uninspired, and the entire family somehow forgets to put ANYTHING away and drops it all wherever it falls and the house looks like a bomb hit, when we are expecting company in a few days' time.
I understand that sometimes God says "no", but when the answer is ALWAYS no, you start to wonder if either God has it in for you, or He isn't there to begin with.
As to the part about God not being what they say he is...why would a loving God harden people's hearts so they'd go to Hell if we are supposed to have free will? (Pharaoh in Exodus) Why would a God who tells us it's wrong to murder tell all those armies in the old Testament to go out and slaughter everybody in their way in a quest to obtain land? Why would a loving God who wants everyone to be with Him allow someone to suffer so badly every time they hear about Him that they block it all out during the time, have such a violent bodily reaction during it, and as a result completely avoid the concept afterwards?
I really don't know where I stand right now. I know you aren't supposed to test God, but I'm desperate, I need to know one way or another in MY mind, in MY heart, not from someone else. I am feeling very discouraged because I "set out a fleece" a few days ago, one of those heart-wrenching "If you're there, God, then PLEASE do THIS to prove it!" things....and nothing. Universe shuddering silence.
I just don't know anymore.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hello - alena (UK)....... just bin searchin for CHOCOLATE. No not to eat. I have terrible Food Intolerance and have some Choc ADS on my Blog, then I came across ur lovely blog. That's ACE...JUST GIVE ME CHOCOLATE AND NOBODY GETS HURT. I can feel the force of your vent about the 2 poor liddle bablies etc. Ahhh. It IS very hard to understand WHY as you said, IF GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO LOVIN etc. I aint been able to get to church for years. I have been badly medicallly neglected but God gave me warnings many moons ago and then has lead me through it... BLINDLY I might ad. I am disabled and in lots of pain EVERY second of EVERY DAY and I have managed somehow (although its not in my nature) TO LET GO and LET GOD. I feel I have SCOWLED at HIM for all the reasons you have questioned HIM about. I have been living the STRANGEST LIFE and one of the Doctors whose NEGLECT I was subjected to, is now....YEARS later, BACK in the Limelight, after only a few days of me starting my Blog about my medical negligence. PLEASE KEEP PUTTING OUT YOUR FLEECE. Your Blog blessed me very much. His voice will be in THE SILENCE wont it - not in the earthquake or the hurricaine etc. I am still in the process of writing my Blog called CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A FUNGUS LORD - but I need to compose it both in a SECULAR way and DEFINITLEY in a SPIRITUAL WAY. I have found that GOD is VERY MUCH OUTSIDE THE BOX....as WELL as in the box and WHEREVER I have been in my life He HAS been there - Psalm 139 - Years ago he kept telling me He would NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME, regardless of my feelings. I am continually tested on this but even tho I scowl at his QUESTIONABLE ways...I do trust HIM...
I have been the subject of scorn with my family, friends and Christian family alike. Those who I thought would be there for me definitely failed me but God REALLY stood in BIG TIME. I learned this great lesson through my years of illness and disability - " HE KNOWS ME " and BOY AM I GLAD. My story is both interesting, sad, maddening and encouraging.
My beautiful HOLY SPIRIT FILLED sister DAWN, died 3 1/2 Years ago on my sofa, of her heart problems at the young age of 47 only 2 yrs after her anorexic daughter Brigitte - After the ambulance came and took her Dead Body away my HOLY SPIRIT filled Pastor said to me BEFORE he got his second foot over the threshold of my door..."Alena, all of THIS is about YOU and YOUR SALVATION...and the way you USED to be - and the way you are now....My head dropped, my shoulders dropped, my heart definitely dropped and I had no choice but to agree with me JUST BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOLY SPIRIT FILLED PASTOR. So my imperfections were the CAUSE of her death.....I am sure you will be shaking your head...Later when I went for my goodbye visit to her flat, I scraped some dust from her drawer because it was from her so it WAS HER and I took it home and sat staring into nothingness. I couldnt speak - my heart was crying out for my COMPANION. Madison Bridge with Clint Eastwood was on the TV and he had just died so boy was I low but, how could I talk to my friend Jesus AFTER I WAS TO BLAME FOR HER DEATH as my Pastor had suggested. Nevertheless I picked up my Bible which was lying on the footstool and my eyes fell directly on this " Who is this who appears like the DAWN, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in procession " It was a verse on its own in the Songs of Solomon. It just fell open RIGHT on that page - on that verse. She was called Dawn. God KNEW I needed COMFORT not CONDEMNATION. My friends and family have always failed me but God has shown me some of the plans he has for me. They included suffering. He KNOWS about your fleeces. I KNOW he cares for you AND YOUR DOG. He IS hard to understand. My sister shouted at him and called Him a B.....d for taking Brigitte but then she would melt in the presence that would envelope her little poky crumbling damp flat(apartment) He has got big shoulders hasn't he. Reading your Blog has inspired me to get my FINGER OUT as they say...and get to work on the Spirutal version of Can I interest you in a Fungus Lord ? One more thing. I havent felt Gods presence or His PRESENTS ... lol, for a hundred years, but I recently asked HIM in a BUGGED manner..lol..."ARE YOU INTERESTED IN MY EABYING OR WOT LORD ?" I then noticed that all my customers over those 4 or 5 days were called MATHEW, MARK, LUKE JOHN and SIMON.....No sense of His FANTASTIC presence but would YOU say those names were just a coincidence?
God Bless You Very Much and thank you x x x
alena
http://fungalena.blogspot.com
http://stores.ebay.co.uk/alenabalerinas
Hey my dear, I'm sorry you're bummed right now. I think perhaps the answer I will give falls into the God is not the way people have portrayed him category.
There is much to say to each of your points and I haven't the time to address each of them. But have you considered the possibility that you may be asking and expecting things from God that he never promised to deliver.
For starters, I don't think God micromanages every detail of our lives because God doesn't act against the free agency of the people he has created. Shit happens due to the choices of people who are free agents and free to choose. God doesn't force people to do things against their will.
Therefore a contract falling through likely has a lot more to do with the free will of the people soliciting it, and perhaps also the way your husband is as a business person than to do with God allowing or causing anything.
You pray for the health of your family, as we all do, but do you make sure that they are eating healthy and immunity boosting foods as much as in your power. Do they ever eat junk? Do you make sure that they get adequate sleep and water? Do you teach them to wash their hands? Do you periodically disinfect doorknobs and light switches? Do you go home if you see that one of the children your kids are playing with is snotty and coughing or do you stay there because you have something you want/need to do? Do you get everyone enough exercise and fresh air?
(I mean, I assume that you do many of these things, but none of does them all 100% of the time.) Why would you blame God for allowing things that are within your power to influence. Why did he bother to give you free will at all if you refuse to exercise it, if you won't take responsibility in the areas you have been given authority?
Likewise with praying that about your house being clean. YOu are asking God to help you like to do do what you need to do? And you are not doing it until you feel like you like to do it? Is that really what you are expecting? I find that God usually answers our prayers as we are doing our job without complaining. HE meets us as we do it, not as we lay on the couch waiting for him to make us do it. Again there's that free will thing. You think God should violate the freewill of your family and force them to remember to clean up like robots? Isn't training your children your responsibility? Perhaps if you disciplined your self to train them to pick up after themselves you would find the answer to your prayers is your own action. PErhaps if you just did it even though you feel uninspired or tired you would also find your prayers answered, and you would feel less overwhelmed powerless and depressed by things that are entirely within your control to deal with if you choose to.
I apologize if this sounds harsh but don't you think it's rather silly of you to expect God to do for you the things that are your job?
Read the New Testament again and notice that no where does it promise safety, happiness, security, comfort, or lack of difficulty for those who trust in Jesus. It does promise persecution, suffering, imprisonment, and even family members turning against you for the sake of the gospel.
I only tell you what I've had to tell myself to get out of the self pity pit I like to wallow in, so please don't think I'm being mean. All of this I've said to myself or had said to me and I found it immensely helpful ultimately. Though I was often angry and upset at first.
AS far as Exodus goes. The Hebrew word can also be translated strengthen which can just as easily mean than God would strengthen his heart to give him the courage to do what he wanted to do anyway and show his true nature. Also notice when you reread that account that it is not God who kills the firstborn but the destroyer. God removes his protection from Egypt because they have rejected him and allows the destroyer to pass among them. What is implied is that God is always holding back the destroyer, from us all, but because of there extreme disobedience and refusal to trust in him and turn from their other Gods he will allow them to learn that it was truly Yahweh who protected them not their Gods. The whole Exodus story is a cosmic scale event where God in the plagues one by one shoes his supremacy over the Egyptian Gods.
Remember also that the Egyptians slaughtered babies by the thousands and threw them into the Nile. In terms of justice the response is somewhat restrained.
May I just say also that perhaps your greatest problem and probably husband's as well is that you continue to labor under this idea that being good gets you in with God and that being bad gets you out. This idea that you can earn brownie points with God for good behavior is a very faulty and dangerous understanding of who he is. If God were truly this way, this petty, I wouldn't want to worship him either and I don't blame certain person for being terrified. Read the story of what Jesus did with the woman caught in adultery together. Listen to the mercy and love that comes from Jesus.
Check out the moment when he heals the man who has been crippled from birth and his disciples want to know if it's because of his sin or his parents sin that he is crippled. Jesus uses that moment to tell them that they are asking the wrong question and thinking about it the wrong way.
And then look at this
"Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Mat 5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
God sustains the life of the just and the unjust. He doesn't say, you are bad therefore I won't guard your life. Stop thinking that way.
Some books you should read.
The Divine Conspiracy-Dallas Willard
God at War-Gregory Boyd
and Healing Spiritual Abuse-Ken Blue
As to the main point, the persistent affliction of one you care about, I don't have an easy answer for that one. I know that healing of deep wounds takes time. I think some of those books may help. As well as Authority to Heal-Ken Blue for really great answers to some of the questions you are asking. MAybe you can find them in a church library. Even if it's not your own church library ;)
I think the problem, if it's the one we've discussed before, is one of paradigms and thought, of healing the mind and the way it thinks. This kind of thing is more likely to happen with reading things that are helpful and listening to things that are helpful than trying to force it to work when it doesn't.
I pray for you that you can have patience in this. I know how hard it is to feel like a single mom when it comes to the faith side of your family. I pray you have a lot of grace and patience for this. That you are able to CHOOSE to be patient with this. Remember it's a choice the way you respond to your life, not something that just happens to you.
Lastly, regarding this bit,
I pray for adequate rest, and end up more busy and more tired.
PErhaps you could try praying that God would help you to prioritize, to have the wisdom to know what to say no to and stop trying to do the things that are more of a detriment than a help to you and your family right now. NO one is sticking a gun to your head and forcing you to do these things are they? Some of them may have to go. Are you willing for that to happen in order for you to get the rest you need? Are you willing to be patient when it feels like you'll never get to do the things you want to do? Are you willing to listen to God in the places where he may be telling you to let go of something that you really love in order to have the energy to be there for your family?
Are you willing to work harder during your awake hours to make sure that everything is done in time for you to go to bed at a reasonable answer? Perhaps God isn't as silent as you think? Perhaps you aren't hearing Him because He's not talking to you about the things you want Him to talk to you about and you don't want to listen where he is talking.
Well, that is all jumbled together isn't it? I hope you know that I love you, and God loves you and that even thought it might make you angry at first, I say it in hopes that it is ultimately helpful and that if it is not you will have the grace to forgive me if your feelings were hurt.
Post a Comment