Wow! I've been blogging for quite a few days now, and I sure am enjoying it....although it is starting to feel like I am in a huge, empty room, talking to myself, my "voice" bouncing off the walls...my friends are much better at this blogging thing than I am....they write in a way that inspires people to leave them comments. Not that it matters. I should be used to this by now....it's kind of the story of my life. Unless I am in the midst of some crisis, I am forgotten....left in the dust, overlooked, just don't really stand out. I'm not sure why, and to be honest, it kind of hurts. It's lonely here in my world. I totally understand the kids who do bad things, to get attention...sometimes bad attention is better than no attention at all.
I have had my share of bad attention, and to be honest, there are times when I am tempted to get back into old habits, or to allow myself to slip back into the sicknesses that I battle each day...I battle depression quite a bit....not so much as I used to, by any means, not to the point of being suicidal, as I used to be...hubby and kids have a lot to do with that....couldn't leave them like that. This time of year is rough, though. I have a lot harder of a time keeping myself together in the last part of winter, and am that much more likely to backslide, have a nervous breakdown, or throw away all my progress and turn back to old habits.
My biggest challenge these days is my battle against the eating disorder. I have come a long way. Looking back, I am shocked at how bad things were, how many people I hurt unintentionally, the stuff I put my friends through, and the stuff most people don't even know about....and I am shamed. But at the same time it is such a fight to stay "straight", so to speak.
On my 20th birthday, I wrote a letter to myself to be opened when I turned 30. It was a bit of a shock to "hear" myself back then....but the worst thing was that in that letter, I wrote how much I weighed. To put it mildly, having children did not help my cause. I would kill to be that weight, I would almost die to be that weight...and my eating disorder took me there once. The urge to do it again, to do what I know "works" is often unbearable...and there have been times when I have skipped a few meals...but so far it hasn't lasted more than a day or two, because I don't live alone anymore, and at least one person won't let me get away with it.
My biggest problem is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. I've lost a few friends over the years, because they just didn't want to hear about it anymore. I know the friends I still have really don't want to hear it either, and I don't want to push them away, either. I don't want them to be upset with me, ashamed of me, disgusted with me, disappointed with me....but they will be. And everyone gives advice. Eat more veggies, don't eat sugar, try these vitamins, drink that juice. Just don't starve. Just don't think that way. Just don't do those things to yourself...don't you think I KNOW what the "right" things are? Don't you think I KNOW how wrong the thoughts are? Problem is, the voices are a lot louder than common sense, the panic level is a lot more intense than anyone could imagine. The desperation that brings my mental illness (for that is what an eating disorder truly is) into the driver's seat tells me that I HAVE to do what I shouldn't, that everyone sees me as the disgusting ball of lard that I see every single time I look in a mirror.
Don't ever think that if someone who had an eating disorder stops doing the behaviours, they are fine with themselves. The voices and thoughts and urges don't go away...they have just learned to suppress the reactions to them. They need and want to know that others think they are okay, they need to hear it, even if they seem to brush it off or don't believe you. Trust me.
I guess it's fairly obvious that I am fully into my rough time of the year...funny thing is, until I started writing today, I didn't recognize it for what it was. I hate the cold weather, I am tired of the darkness, I am lonely, I am sad, I am disgusted with what I look like and what I weigh. I miss high school. Back then, I was smart, I was young, and I may not have been popular, but I did have friends to go from class to class with, laugh about teachers with, fool around with, write plays and corny video presentations for English with, involving lying in a McDonald's parking lot, pretending to be run over...I was already having problems back then, but I still have bucketloads of wonderful memories of my I.B. friends and teachers...anybody ever hear anything from Mr. Klink?
I'm sorry to all my friends who are reading this...give it time...in a few months, the snow will melt, spring will come, maybe I will have managed to slim down in a good way, and things will look brighter on my horizons...and hopefully you will all still be there for me, despite it all. If anyone even reads my blog. If not, it really doesn't matter...I'm good at talking to myself.
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I could say a whole lot more, but sometimes bad advice is worse than no advice at all. But I'm gonna say something anyhow, so take it or leave it as you deem applicable. Just remember tho, most of it is just a knee-jerk reaction to what you wrote:
FIRST, some people say that self-reflection is a milestone on the road to enlightenment. Take a look at what you just wrote and remember that (a) 'reflection' and 'criticism' are two incompatible concepts and (b) the reason you were in IB had nothing to do with 'smarts' -- it was about your perception and analysis of the world around you. Smarts can be faked by rote memorization. Perception is hard-wired into your brain: the ability to see in 'shades of gray', to step away from yourself and empathize with other things, and the (damning) tendency to understand consequence. First, figure out what that all means (that's 30 years of self-REFLECTION from me to you, free of charge) then use that power for good not evil.
SECOND, don't judge yourself by other people. Please. Really. There will be eye-rolling involved if you tell me you want anyone's life but your own. We all have ghosts and skeletons in our closets. Some of us just tend to keep them very well hidden. And you (wrongly) assume that we all have perfect, enviable lives. Believe me when I say that you have achieved things that seem distantly out of reach for others, present company included. Be happy with that -- and just reach a few micro-meters higher for tomorrow.
Enough said.
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