So there IS somebody out there!

I got one comment from yesterday's rant...I have read it and re-read it...and have to admit I'm not entirely sure what some of it means...but I do highly value this friend's input, so it gives me something to think about, mull over, and hopefully figure something out from it.
I feel a little better today, which is kind of funny, considering how badly the day started out, and how tired I am as a result....but I have decided to try really hard not to make this blog into a gripe-fest. It is a bad habit I have gotten into over the years, likely tied into the issues and bad habits I got into that I talked about yesterday. So I have decided, based on the challenge that I have been given in the comment I received, that I will find good things to talk about....not that I will be false and fall into the 'I'm fine, how are you?" nice-ness where there is no honesty...but that I will work on focusing more on the good things, and less on the dark void and its friends.
I want to thank my friend for his comment....I must agree that sometimes no advice is the best advice possible...this is my life, and I must live it, and no matter what sicknesses or mental issues I may have, nobody is going to be able to fix them or manage them for me. I think often, true happiness is 95% willpower...I remember a time back in university, when I was at my lowest, sickest point, someone said to me that if *I* could only believe myself to be pretty, I would be. A strange comment, to be sure, but I remember trying it...I went to church on Sunday, having put on something nice, doing something nice with my hair, I may even have had on a bit of makeup, but nothing really out of the ordinary for a Sunday...and I mentally talked myself into it....in my head, I kept telling myself "I'm pretty, I'm pretty, darn it, I'm pretty"...wouldn't you know, one of my best friends (S.V.) came up to me and told me I looked absolutely gorgeous that day, what had I done? What an amazing boost that was for me. I had forgotten about that day.
I guess what I am saying (and yes, I am seeing that this blog IS quite a self-reflection, and maybe is going to be really good for me), is that if you focus too much on the pain and loneliness and dark stuff, you miss a lot of the little bursts of sunshine. Again, back in university, a few friends from high school and I were chatting with each other on the computer, and I remember we had nicknames...I remember Chuck and Cheese and at one point I was Mouse...but for some reason, I changed it, much to the approval of my friends. I was Mouse because that was my personality back then....I was living in a really bad situation my first year at university, and became a mouse to avoid confrontation...but once I took charge and got myself out of the situation, something changed, at least for awhile, and I became Sonshine:).
As to my not having had "smarts" in IB...I'm not sure whether to laugh at this or not. I guess in a way, my friend hit it right on the head...I was always really good at memorization, I worked really hard, doing 3-5 hours of homework and studying a night, and still managed to fail two of the finals, causing me to technically NOT graduate as a Full_IB, though they left my picture up on the wall of the high school as if I was. It took me many years to overcome the disappointment and anger at myself at failing those exams....and then I realized, you know what? I worked hard. I gave it all I had, and there was NOTHING I did wrong, nothing I could have done better....and besides, I got really good scores on the other IB finals.
I'm not sure if this is what my friend was getting at, but what I pulled from that comment was that "smarts" don't matter. What really matters is what I REALLY learned in IB....I learned the value of hard work, I learned to be proud of my accomplishments as a result of hard work, and in a warped way, I guess I also learned some people skills....empathy, sympathy, working together with the other IB kids, I developed a sense of humour, warped as it may sometimes be, and I learned how much fun it could be to have friends who weren't afraid to give you a hard time, either by teasing you mercilessly about a love of coffee, or the way you laughed, or getting on your case and telling you the truth, straight up, when you were being an idiot. I learned to argue a point, I even learned to debate on a side I didn't agree with, thanks to certain teachers who felt it was important to teach us to look at things from someone else's viewpoint. And I learned that I am unique. I AM special, darn it! And I need to remember that....no matter what others think, no matter what *I* think, I AM *SPECIAL*!
I have to admit that there's not a lot I can do about the eye rolling of others, because I have to admit that I do fall prey to the whole "the grass is greener" concept. I know everyone has their issues...I guess it's just that, being on the outside looking in, it often seems that whatever problems the other person may have, they seem a lot better than my own. I'm sure my friend is right....if I knew EVERYTHING about the people I wish I could be, I'd probably be very surprised...just like, if people knew EVERYTHING about me, they'd run screaming for the hills. (One day I'll finish my novel based on my life, and they can market it as a horror novel ...well...maybe not quite....but I am seriously working on a novel about my life which I hope to finish sometime in the next decade)
I do have to admit, though, that the thing that caught me by surprise was that my friend feels I have accomplished things that are distantly out or reach for others, including that friend. It kind of stunned me. This friend seems to have the ultimate life at the moment. I'm not sure what I have accomplished that would be out of reach for this friend....I'd love it if my friend would share....but then, maybe it's one of those things I'm supposed to just wonder about.
Okay....now I will put a little bit of Sonshine:) in here. My little guy (who will be 2 1/2 next week), just wandered in here to see what is taking Mommy so long in the office. Fresh new haircut (okay, we buzz cut him), he looks adorable. If you've ever seen Caillou (who happens to be his favourite character)....that is what he looks like. Singing some little tune to himself, cute little grin, peeks in the door...."Mommy, c'mout now? A'mos' nun?"
Daughter, recently turned 6, just came in to show me her latest project....painting Dora suncatchers. She's quite the little artist. And a little mini-mommy...not only in looks, but in the way she treats her little brother. she even will read him stories, if he asks her. It's so cute to see them sitting together while she reads him "The Little Engine that Could" or "Hop on Pop".
This has become a novel in itself. If you've made it this far, you have my sincere congratulations and thanks. I once again don my supermommy cape and fly off to clean the house, make lunch, and send daughter off to school in 2 hours...and maybe just maybe I'll treat myself to some chocolate, even if just a mug of hot chocolate, later today. Because I can....or to be a true mommy.....because I said so. :)