Testing...

Lately, I wrote a post in regards to tithing and trust. At the time, things seemed to have a definite answer, a "yes, this is the right thing" feeling, as things seemed to suddenly click into place financially, things suddenly were looking up...

And then the true testing came. And still is here, with teeth. I wish I could see into the future, and into the "why's" of it all. It hit so hard this morning that I hit my knees at the edge of my bed, ground my face into the covers, and cried, and prayed. I don't do so well with testing. I fail miserably when it comes to hard times. Anybody who has known me for any length of time knows that.

I wrote the blog about my van and its flat-tire-turned-nightmare-of-broken-brake-parts and such. And I wrote that it was all working out fine and dandy, it was a big ouch, but hey, everything is A-OKAY.

Nope.

Hubby called this morning to say that his work van is making funny noises and the steering wheel shakes as he drives. Now I know next to nothing about cars, but I DO know that is bad. Very, very bad. And we don't have the money to fix it. At all. And with the two kids and the nature of his job and the schedule he and I and the kids hold, one car just isn't going to do it. But we can't afford to fix whatever horrible thing is wrong with his van. Which means we will HAVE to be down to one van until we can afford to fix the work van. Which means we will be at each other's throats because we are going to both need the van at the same times and it's just going to be miserable because life never works on our schedule we're going to need the other to have the van home at certain times and it's just not going to happen. Oh yes, and now he will be out of town for a day and a half in a few days, leaving me with NO car and two kids...
It's a little stressful.

I know it's a test. I know God is testing to see how seriously we mean to stick to the whole tithing and trusting thing. And I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!! It would be so easy to just use the tithe, fix the van, and move on. But we won't. We can't. We shouldn't.

I just wish it didn't feel so much like we were being kicked down, and the second we started to get up, repeatedly getting kicked in the head. It really does feel like that. We just start seeing the sunshine and get booted in the gut. Again.

I know hubby won't admit to it, but we are in trouble. We really are. Last month, we pared things down to the minimum. this next month, we've had to pare the minimum down even more...we don't have anything going aside for the kids' summer activities, no summer vacation, no clothes. Nothing. Our menu for the month is going to leave our cupboards looking pretty bare by the end of the month, and they'd better like toast and pancakes this month. And now the van.

Would you believe that as I knelt there this morning, the thought actually went through my mind about how much we could get if we SOLD the bed? I think it is coming to that...hopefully there are people out there who will be willing to buy everything I can get my hands on in the house that we could sell. I suppose it's ONE way to keep the house clean...sell all the contents. Ha ha.

Here's hoping we make it through this testing and reach the other side of this dark tunnel soon. I'll keep you posted. Wish me luck and send lots of prayers.