And the Beat goes On

Well, life continues. Two days until my friend arrives. The house is starting to look halfway decent...I plan to steam clean tomorrow, so that should get rid of a lot of the stains that crop up when you have kids, and a living room right beside the kitchen.
I had a very short route today....28 papers. It took me all of maybe 20 minutes to do, 45 minutes including driving to and from the route. So it's really early and I'm happy to be done, and I will soon go crash on the couch for a bit before starting the final stretch of mad cleaning.
Having a bit of a personal internal crisis lately...my clothes don't look good on me, I don't like the way I look or feel, my belly sticks out and I'm just fat, not pregnant. For me, this is one of the hardest things to deal with. As I shared a few months ago, I have a bit of a history with the whole weight issue, and times like this make it that much harder to stay on the "right" path. Now, if I were any good at portion control, impulse control, and so on, there would not be a problem, but I like food. A lot. And unfortunately, the food I like is not celery sticks and water. And so I eat. And eat. And feel bad. And eat. And consider old ways. And eat.
I was looking through photos a few days ago, and that was really hard...there is a picture in one of my albums from 1996. I looked FABULOUS...I was wearing this tight pair of jean shorts, a short sleeved, button-up shirt with a little knot tied in the front, legs that went FOREVER, long hair...I looked GOOD! Then I looked at some recent photos of myself, like the one taken at Christmastime, at a friend's house, with some high school buddies. It made me sick. Double chin, just oozing fatness...nothing fabulous about how I look at all. And I try. I have the best of intentions, I have the best of plans...and sabotage myself again and again.
I suppose I should be happy that I seem to at least be maintaining a certain level in my fatness....I kind of bounce within a 5 pound range...but that range is still 50 pounds higher than what I'm supposed to be for my height.To be absolutely honest, if I could do whatever my heart desired, if I didn't have to worry about feeding the rest of the family and all, I probably wouldn't be eating much. I eat because I cook. I eat because the food is there because the rest of the family wants to eat. I think food is highly overrated....causes too many problems. I could lose that weight, if I could do it my way. I wish I could. I want to. Especially because I know how good I was at getting the weight off back when I was younger.
Everybody tells me that when you have kids, the pounds creep on and never come off. That can't be true. I'd rather die than stay fat forever. I want to be thin, beautiful, and sexy. One year....one year I'll find a way. One year, I'll beat this gluttony, this pigginess that's making me look more and more like one.