Purpose In Life

It's amazing how, when you start pondering something, the topic keeps popping up in different places. Take yesterday's thread, for example....what am i famous for? Wouldn't you know that at church today, the topic of the sermon had to do with our purpose in life....what are we here for. It has me thinking a little bit, okay, maybe a lot....everybody has a purpose in life. Everyone is born for some reason, whether we ever know what it is or not....and it's something we really ought to remember, especially when it's one of those really bad days where you feel like you could die and it really wouldn't matter to anyone.
So I started wondering....what is my purpose in life? Why am I here? I have to admit that, when I look at my life so far, I find very little that I can claim as a real influence in anyone's life, aside from the negative things I have brought. But following what my pastor said today, I know there is some reason I am here, some reason why I am exclusively ME, soul, mind, and body.
I wish I knew the reason for who I am, but in a way, I wonder if by knowing, that would somehow either dampen its effect on the world, change who I am and perhaps cause it never to be, or somehow change something in someone else's life that should never be changed. I don't know.
If someone asked me why I am here, what purpose I have in life, and I absolutely had to give an answer, maybe I can come up with a few thoughts, and in that, perhaps it could sustain me through some of those dark hours...
I am a mother to two children, one a girl, one a boy. Perhaps the girl will grow up and become the mother of someone the world really will need, perhaps she, herself, will grow up to be somebody amazing (not just in the sense of "amazing in her Mommy's eyes, you know?), I don't know. She may be destined for greatness, or help bring someone else to greatness,
The boy was originally not meant to be...originally we were stopping with the girl. I told Husband after I had her that I was never going through pregnancy again. It was a rough delivery, and when I said it, I'm sure I meant it, but somehow there was a huge longing, a hole, in a sense, that arose later on, a nagging overwhelming desire to have just one more baby. Husband had only wanted one child, so this caused a great deal of friction, and deep sadness and even some depression on my part, which I'm sure didn't help our relationship much. Eventually, Husband decided he, too, would like to have another. To this day, I wonder if he just said yes to make me happy, but I think, in the end, his doubts and reservations disappeared, once Son was here. Love at first sight...so I figure Son is destined for something big, considering it was such a huge battle, in a way, to get him here.
Perhaps I am here to talk to people about the "hidden illness", as mental illness is often called. I have come to accept who I am, and the struggles I face as a result of who I am and the choices I have made. People who look at me likely would never know there was anything wrong with me. Once people really get to know me, they find I can often be a very difficult friend to have, at times. I say things I shouldn't, I do things I shouldn't, I seek attention, acceptance, validation, sometimes with such ferocity that I scare people off. I suffer from depression, I also suffer from an eating disorder, yet another thing people would never guess....who ever heard of a fat anorexic? Maybe I am here as an example to people that an eating disorder doesn't come with a specific face. It doesn't necessarily come with a specific name, either. I am neither anorexic, nor bulimic, at least not exclusively....but I DO have an eating disorder. Anyone who obsesses about food, and allows that obsession to control how, where, when, what, and how much they eat has an eating disorder.
I have come a long way in my fight, and in most cases, I am winning. I am able to manage most of my episodes, both the depressive ones and the eating disorder urges, but I still have a long way to go, and have come to realize this is a lifelong battle...you don't get over them, but merely learn to control them and deal with them. Maybe there is someone out there who has the same issues as I do, someone who, one day, can benefit from my experiences and wisdom I have acquired in learning to live with myself.
Perhaps I am here to touch someone's life in some way, by something as simple as helping lead the singing at church, or being a part of my Sweet Adelines group, or maybe just by being a listening ear, a smile when it's needed, maybe a letter or phone call I make someday will save somebody's life....I don't know.
I am beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, a lot of the "bad" things that have happened to me will, one day, be used for a good purpose....maybe by going through them, they will be the tools to my helping someone else in their journey. I hope so. I think we all need to know we have some purpose in life, hidden or not, that will make our lives all worthwhile in the end.